I’ve spent so long being angry at two people who even though I have every right to be angry at them, they don’t deserve even a second of my thoughts anymore. I know I can’t move on and grow more with my amazing boyfriend if I keep these assholes in the back of my mind.. Always thinking I’m going to be hurt by a whore or an asshole. I know my words are harsh but I think I need to let it all out to move on.

The thing that angers me the most is that my most wonderful “best friend” who was there for me during my chaotic break up slept with my first love. Whom she knew was psychotic because she’s been there numerous times when he has broken into my apartment, threatened to kill me, AND HER. She’s seen me bawl my eyes out over him and be so confused. I told her everything. How much I loved him, but I wasn’t strong enough to be with him because he would cut me down every single day. Telling me to kill myself because he was balls deep in some other bitch and I was just a worthless piece of shit cunt. All the times I would go back to him she would tell me how stupid I am. Which even though it was stupid of me, she didn’t understand that it was because I loved him. Then it would go back to the same routine… Back to her when him and I would fight & be “done” with each other. Every time I was just like fuck it! Let’s get drunk and crazy. I was in such a horrible depression I didn’t even realize how bad I was. I lost so much weight, I was 15lbs underweight. Drunk as often as I could be. My apartment was a mess. It had no order. Typical behavior of someone so deep in a black hole. I would tell her how depressed I am and how much I wanted to get out of the behavior I was in because I was a typical dumb drunk girl. And I hated it… But I didn’t hate anything when I was drunk. She knew how unhappy I was with myself. She saw what his psychotic behavior did to me. And she always seemed there for me.

I remember when I first found out that her and him hooked up… I was wasted and went on a drunk girl rampage and talked so much shit about her. Made rude statuses and told everyone what a trifiling whore she was. I wanted everyone to know how shitty she was. I’ve never felt more betrayed by the two people I trusted the most. It really was the worst feeling I’ve felt. I mean, my BEST friend being a drunk twat and fucking the man she knew I still loved. Even after all that she knew. When she knew what kind of person he was. Even after knowing I tried killing myself three times. Even after knowing all the verbal and physical abuse he inflicted on me. I just couldn’t believe it.

Then I had all the ‘typical’ girl thoughts like oh you think you’re better than me? You think YOU could be different? Sorry bitch, but I was the one that was different. You were just another one of his drunk rebound fucks. If she knew all the shit he talked about her to me, she’d feel like the worthless whore she was to me. And him.

Even after all that, him and I still tried making things work. Which I know was stupid on my part. But I couldn’t let him go. Everything changed around Halloween when we got into our worst fight ever, and I had to go to the hospital and stay at the domestic abuse shelter. It was the most horrible I’ve ever felt. I realized how unhealthy he made me. And how much I was putting Eva’s safety at risk. And nothing in the world is more important to me than that little girl.

I got the restraining order, started taking my medication regularly, and got my fucking life together. I stayed at my grandmas for about three months till everyone was sure I was healthy. And I am now. I have everything I could ever want. A beautiful, healthy, perfect baby, an amazing man who treats me insanely well, and a better relationship with my mom and grandma. I take care of myself, my apartment.. I rarely drink. I feel amazing again. But it took me till like two weeks ago to realize I just need to let go of these two. Completely, and for good.

So that’s why I’m writing all this. Probably stupid but I just need to get it all out one last time. I already don’t feel them as a burden in my life anymore. And I wish them both nothing but the best in their lives. I hope they can both end up as happy as I am. No matter if it’s with each other, or with different people. Everyone deserves to be happy as I am, and to have as many great things in their life as I do.